If you told a younger me that I’d ever be posting this post, I’d have thought a. that won’t happen to us and b. if it does, there’s no way I’m sharing something so personal. If you’re new here, we miscarried our second baby earlier this year. While it was heartbreaking, a lot of you comforted me by sharing your positive stories of getting pregnant right after miscarrying. So that kept my head up.
Well, its been six months. We’ve been trying to conceive (TTC – an abbreviation I had previously seen that I never thought I’d be using myself) for close to six months. Unfortunately, I know many people going through this and have been going through it for longer, I hurt and long with you.
With the first two pregnancies, we conceived incredibly quick, like shockingly quick. So we never felt like we were ‘trying.’ It was more so ‘lets see what happens’ and it did. Easy peasy right? Until now. The first few months (Feb-April) were disappointing, but I had a bachelorette and a wedding coming up in May, so I thought it wouldn’t be so bad to not have to be sober for those events. Well then those events got cancelled due to COVID and I thought ok the timing is perfect now. Unfortunately, my body did not agree. Each month after, my period reared its ugly head.
And then May came, I was five days late, I felt pregnant (exhausted, nauseas), I thought this was it. I even went out during quarantine to get a pregnancy test, I was so excited to get home to take it. I even envisioned how Ryleigh and I would tell Will (she would run in wearing her big sister shirt holding the test!). I took the test : negative. Hm. I took a second : negative. An hour later, my period came. Talk about a mind fuck. I broke down. Why do you spend years preventing pregnancy yet its so hard for it to actually happen?!
We started to feel very alone. A lot of our very close friends are pregnant. Every time I open Instagram or Facebook, another pregnancy announcement. And while I am over the moon happy for these couples, it’s isolating and scary. Is something wrong? When you are in a space like this, your mind starts to run wild. I realized that I was overdue for my annual, so I made an appointment with my GYN and figured we could discuss. I absolutely love mine, she talked me off a ledge. Bless her. She assured me I was fine, but that also they can’t technically look into it until its been one year of trying (because of insurance coverage). Not something I wanted to hear, but I left that appointment feeling much more relaxed that it will happen when its meant to happen.
Another month of trying, another month of disappointment. Up until this point, I’ve really only tracked my period with an app for informational purposes. I finally caved and purchased an ovulation kit this month. What a painful trip to Target that was, to look down at your cart and see tampons and an ovulation kit, I obviously filled it with a few other goodies to cheer me up. So we’ll see if how that goes, I just never want the tracking to overwhelm us and consume us.
I’m thankful everyday that we have Ryleigh, she serves not only as a blessing, but as a welcome distraction. And as a reminder that my body is capable of conceiving, carrying and birthing a healthy baby. I know not everyone who is ttc has that reminder and I’m thinking of you.
One of the things that kills me is watching Ryleigh long for a baby as well. She clings to babies, both real and fake. I can’t wait to give her her very own, I hope she doesn’t lose that pure excitement because she will be the absolute best big sister.
Thank you for allowing me to look to this platform as a safe space to share. I never thought I’d ever share this journey, I always thought it was more of a taboo topic (along with miscarriages) and that the only time I would share anything pregnancy related was at a 12 week safe spot, but once you realize that a ‘safe spot’ isn’t always guaranteed and that you have a platform that could help others, you realize you have an obligation.
I wish this were a happier post, but the point of it is to hopefully make someone feel less alone. It’s hard not to feel like you are the only one who isn’t able to conceive. I started feeling like I was failing, like my body wasn’t doing its job. Until along with all of the pregnancy announcements, TTC and infertility posts started to also emerge. While I don’t wish this on anyone who is TTC, the bravery of those able to share is what helps people keep their head up and moving forward. The more we share our vulnerabilities and open up about our struggles, the more we help. And that goes for anything. If you are ever feeling like you need an ear to listen or a cheerleader in your corner, feel free to shoot me a DM or email. always.